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Dating Dilemma Q&A - My Date Is Not Like My Ex, How To Stop Comparing?

I’m having a hard time accepting that the new great guy I’m dating is not like my ex…

I have a short dating history, my ex is the only other guy I’ve ever properly dated. I don’t think my ex is right for me but there were so many amazing things about him that I loved. Being inexperienced I’m having a really hard time getting over the fact that the new guy I’m now dating may not have the same qualities that I loved about my ex, but he might still be a good match for me.

Question: Is this a normal feeling? How can I get over this?

I would recommend not comparing your ex to the new person you’re dating because that can create something I call “analysis paralysis”. Comparing people you have dated to the person you are dating right now will only set you and your dating life up to fail.

Each individual you date is different, how you relate to them is different and the kind of connection and relationship you build with every person you ever date will be totally different. Comparing and contrasting may keep you stuck in the past and won’t be helpful for you to move forward.

If your ex is the only guy you have ever dated then there is a risk you may romanticise the familiar because the unknown in anything, not just dating, can be daunting. We human beings often need a point of reference for relevance to feel in control of a situation that might cause unease and so your ex is your dating point of reference, this is absolutely normal.

If you have a feeling that your ex was not right for you, then you are probably right. You have to trust your gut in all instances and you know deep down what is good and right for you.

If the guy you are dating doesn’t feel deeply connecting for you, instead of comparing him to another human being you once dated, why don’t you write down the qualities you’d like to have in a partner and the kind of relationship you’d like to build and let anything that doesn’t feel good and right fall by the wayside.

Using your own internal compass of qualities and values that make you feel connected and aligned with others, anything that doesn’t fit should by a no from you. Don’t settle for less than happiness and fulfilment in dating and relationships but also, don’t compare any two relationships at any point no matter how long you’ve dated someone.

In a nutshell, focus on what you do want, not what you don't want. As the law of attraction goes, you will end up attracting more good stuff into your life when you have a positive shift in attitude.

If you're struggling to work out where your values sit and the kind of people that align with you, then perhaps you would benefit from going on a journey to deep connection with yourself and others through love life coaching? I help singles go from stuck, unsure and overwhelmed in dating to clear, calm and excited about the process. Enquire about my dating and relationship coaching here.

Much Love,

Sarah x


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