Falling in love with a new partner is really exciting. In those beginning stages of falling for one another you both feel hopeful, light and full of energy. It can be tricky to find someone who truly aligns with your wants, values and relationship goals who really ‘gets you’ so many couples wonder how to maintain a healthy, loving relationship so it has the legs to run the distance.
There will be times in long relationships where couples have conflict. Conflict is not only normal but its healthy in small doses. The resistence that is created offers an opporutnity for couples to creatively problem solve together, to work together as a team, to re-allign and choose each other again and to reestablish love. Small resistance in relationships also remind couples of each others seperateness and that does wonders to spark the flame of desire.
There will also be times when the mundane parts of day to day life kick in and it can feel like the spark or excitement for the relationship has worn thin, but thats when again, the opportunity for couples to remind themselves and each other of the reasons they are together and consciously make an effort to co-create that spark agin in their relationship to take things back to how they once were.
Heres 5 tips to maintain and keep a loving relationship
Calm your mind
Sometimes we can get caught up in overthinking situations in our relationships, especially when arguments have taken place with the person we love the most. To be able to step into your parters shoes or look at the relationship neutrally rather than emotionally it helps to quieten the mind. Quitening the mind can be done creatively or with a spot of spirituality.
You can try meditation, journaling, guided meditation practice, yoga or breathing exercies. In addition, there are many videos, applications and people who can help you with this. Very often walking, listening to music, gardening and creating something will calm your mind too - this is because new neuropathways are created,
Try new things until you find what works best for you to find the inner peace you need to be able to come back to centre in your relationship. Calming your mind will help you come back to the present and pay attention to your needs and your partner's needs. Often, being reactive and saying things in the heat of the moment is not helpful or conducive to the outcome couples want when they have been in conflict. Take a moment to pause, reflect and reset before coming back to conversations with your partner - this will help to create a safe, thoughtful and empathetic space for you both.
Practice effective communication
You need to tell your partner what you need and also create space to be available to hear what it is that they need to. You can't expect your partner to be able to read your mind, although, most couples think they know each others thoughts because of the symbiosis they experience when they fall in love. Assuming what each other thinks without exploring curiously and asking questions can be detrimental to a relationship and not help when two people are in conflict. Explore by asking more questions and assume you know nothing to create connection with your partner.
Since communication is a two-way street, you also need to listen to your partner's needs. You don't just communicate verbally, you communicate with your whole body and its non-verbal language. You communicate with your emotions and tone of voice too. People around you feel your energy. There is no need to hide what is happening to you and the best way you can be in integrity to yourself, your needs, your relationship and your partner is to be open to sharing what is going on for you. To create safety for yourself choose timing carefully and a calm environment to take time to have difficult conversations. It’s also important to make time for these important conversations and practice vulnerability and openness with your partner in your relationship.
Give yourself space to share. As you talk and listen, pay attention to your emotions, body, and mind. As you start to explore your emotions and what is coming up for you theres an opportunity for self-awarenss and growth by asking yourself these few questions
What do I need right now?
Whats not working for me and what needs to change?
If I felt fully happy and fulfilled, what would that look like?
What do I need from my partner right now?
What am I responsible for?
Take responsibility for your relationship
You need to take responsibility for your physical, emotional, spiritual and relational health. You can't change anyone but yourself and the way you can take responsibility for the relationship and how fulfilling it is as time goes on is by checking in with how things change, how your relationship and sense of self changes. When you go deep inside you will know if you are coming to terms with the relationship. Our relationships and their health are a product of how two people create them, to take repsonsbility it is helpful to see the relationship as a third entity.
There is you, your partner and your relationship. How are you both taking care of yourselves individually and how are you both investing in the care of your relationship. If one or both of you is polluting it, its not going to be a healthy environment from which beautiful things can grow. However, if you’re both nurturing, investing in and taking care of your relationship it is an environment from which you can both co-create deep fulfilling connection and which two individuals can grow. Relationships require consistent attention to be taken care of and this consistency is one of the key factors contributing to a healthy romantic relationship. Consistency, not constancy, creates safety and trust.
Recognise your needs
You have needs and the first step to having a healthy and fulfilling relationship is to know what those needs are. You aren’t able to get your needs met if you aen’t able to identify what your needs are. You have to do the work on yourself in the first instance to be able to grow and evolve in a loving relationship together. When two people are clear on what they want and are able to communicate their needs well and with clarity, they are able to connect, create boundaries and also identify what it is that they do not want. The question is whether they are satisfied with your relationship. A few ways you can take stock of your needs is by asking yourself these questions
Do I have enough time for friends?
Am I following my interests?
Do I feel loved and appreciated? If not, what can I and my partner do about it?
What is missing in my life right now?
What do I need to feel loved and connected?
Connect with yourself
If you're like most people, you probably have a very busy life. When you are too busy it is very easy to lose touch with your true self. Meditation and journaling will help here as well. When you have a deeper connection with yourself, it's easier to create deeper connections with others. When you connect with yourself you will understand what is happening with your emotions, body and mind.
You can also call this intuition. You will know something is wrong when your body feels tense, often when your tongue constantly sits at the top of the roof of your mouth, with a clenched jaw and closed body language.
When you are able to take care of your own needs and tend to what is going on for you, you are able to tend to the needs of your partner. It is true that you can not fill from an empty cup.
If you find that in your relationship you are struggling to connect, create space, reignite that spark of loving connection and friendship that you once had, I would love to hear from you and your partner. I truly love working with couples who want to create and get the love that they both deserve and that are both really ready and willing to put in the work with one another to recreate that romantic connection.
Do be in touch for personal sessions for you and your partner for relationship coaching, I would love to help you.
Much Love,
Sarah Louise x
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