How to Have Better Sex in a Relationship: A Relationship Expert's Guide to Improving Intimacy

If there is one thing I wish we could eradicate from modern relationships, it would be the shame that still surrounds conversations about sex.

I genuinely believe that if we could normalise talking about intimacy with our partners, including our desires, insecurities, fantasies, changing needs and the realities of long term relationships, we would all be having better sex, more fulfilling relationships and, quite simply, enjoying one another more.

Sex is one of the most natural aspects of being human, yet for so many people it remains one of the most difficult subjects to discuss. We whisper about it, avoid it or hope our partners will somehow instinctively know what we need, rather than creating the open and honest conversations that allow intimacy to flourish.

I'm Sarah Louise Ryan, a Relationship Psychotherapist, Relationship Expert and often considered a thought leader in relationships, consulting globally on dating and relationships. I've been working in the field of relationships since 2011.

Throughout my career, I've had the privilege of supporting individuals and couples through every stage of their relationship journey, from finding love and navigating dating to strengthening long term partnerships. One theme has consistently emerged throughout my work, and that is sex. Not because couples don't want it, but because they often don't know how to talk about it. Time and again, I meet intelligent, loving couples who care deeply for one another but have never been given the language, confidence or permission to have honest conversations about their intimate relationship.

What has always fascinated me is that we expect ourselves to instinctively know how to create a healthy sexual relationship, yet very few of us have ever been taught how to do so. We receive sex education that focuses on biology, reproduction and protection, but very little guidance on communication, pleasure, desire, emotional intimacy or how our sexual relationship naturally evolves throughout our lives. When challenges arise, many couples assume something is wrong with them, rather than recognising that sex, like every other aspect of a relationship, requires openness, curiosity and ongoing conversation.

The Building Blocks of Better Sex

Communication – If there is one skill that has the greatest potential to transform your intimate relationship, it's communication. Yet, for many couples, conversations about sex only happen when something has gone wrong. By then, frustration has often built, making it much harder to speak openly or listen without becoming defensive.

I encourage couples to think about communication as something that happens before, during and after intimacy. Before sex, we create anticipation by expressing desire and letting our partner know they are wanted. During sex, communication can be as simple as sharing what feels good, checking in with one another and using language that builds confidence rather than self-consciousness. Afterwards, take a moment to reflect together. What did you enjoy? What would you like more of? These conversations don't need to happen every time, but they should happen often enough that talking about sex feels normal rather than uncomfortable.

In my experience, great lovers aren't mind readers. They're great communicators. They remain curious, ask questions and understand that the more openly we talk about sex, the healthier, more connected and more satisfying our intimate relationships become.

Emotional Connection – Whilst emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are two distinct aspects of a relationship, they are deeply interconnected. Feeling emotionally safe, understood and valued often creates the conditions for a more fulfilling sex life. For many couples, the decline in their sexual relationship isn't the beginning of the problem; it's a symptom of emotional disconnection that has been developing over time. Small moments of criticism, unresolved conflict, feeling unheard or simply living parallel lives can gradually erode closeness long before either partner notices a change in their physical relationship.

There's also a biological reason for this. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting threat, is constantly assessing whether we are safe or unsafe. When we feel emotionally secure with our partner, the brain is less focused on protection and more able to engage the systems involved in pleasure, bonding and sexual desire.

Conversely, if the amygdala is repeatedly activated by conflict, criticism, unpredictability or emotional distance, the brain naturally prioritises vigilance over intimacy. For many people, this dampens libido, making it far more difficult to access desire, arousal and sexual enjoyment. This is why I encourage couples to nurture emotional intimacy every day, not just when they want to have sex. Emotional safety doesn't guarantee great sex, but it creates the neurological and relational conditions in which desire is far more likely to flourish.

Understanding Desire – Exploring responsive and spontaneous desire, changing libidos, and why desire naturally evolves throughout a relationship.

Romance Shouldn't Be Dead – Desire isn't fixed; it naturally changes throughout a relationship. Stress, hormones, health, ageing, emotional connection and everyday life can all influence libido. Rather than expecting desire to remain constant, healthy couples recognise that these fluctuations are normal and learn to adapt together. It's also helpful to understand the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the feeling of wanting sex before intimacy begins, whereas responsive desire develops through affection, touch and emotional closeness. Neither is better or more normal than the other, yet many couples assume they should experience desire in the same way. Understanding these differences reduces blame, improves communication and helps couples create the conditions in which desire can naturally flourish.

Sensuality and Touch; reconnecting without sex – Rediscovering the importance of kissing, cuddling, massage, affectionate touch and slowing down, without every interaction needing to lead to sex.

One of the simplest ways to strengthen intimacy is to spend more time touching one another without the expectation that it will lead to sex. Kissing, cuddling, holding hands, stroking one another's skin, giving a massage or simply lying together all reinforce physical closeness and affection. When every touch is expected to become sexual, many partners begin avoiding touch altogether for fear of sending the "wrong" message.

By creating space for affectionate, non-sexual touch, couples can rebuild comfort, trust and connection, allowing intimacy to develop more naturally. It's also important to remain familiar with one another's bodies. As our bodies change throughout life, so too do our preferences, sensitivities and experiences of pleasure. Taking time to explore one another with curiosity, rather than assumption, keeps physical intimacy alive and reinforces emotional connection.

Affectionate touch has also been shown to reduce cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone, whilst increasing the release of oxytocin, often referred to as the "bonding hormone." When we feel physically safe, relaxed and connected, our bodies become more receptive to intimacy, making desire and pleasure more likely to follow.

Expanding Your Definition of Sex – Many couples unknowingly place enormous pressure on their sex life by defining intimacy too narrowly. When sex becomes synonymous with penetration or a particular outcome, it can create performance anxiety, disappointment and avoidance, particularly during periods of stress, illness, ageing or changing libido.

A healthier approach is to view intimacy as a much broader experience that includes kissing, touching, mutual pleasure, sensual exploration, laughter, closeness and simply enjoying one another's bodies without a predetermined goal. Ironically, when couples remove the pressure to "have sex" and instead focus on connection and pleasure in whatever form feels right for them, they often experience greater desire, deeper intimacy and a more satisfying sexual relationship overall.

Technique Is About Curiosity, Not Performance – Great lovers aren't mind readers. They ask questions, pay attention, give feedback and remain curious about one another's changing wants, needs and desires. What felt pleasurable five years ago may not feel the same today, and that's entirely normal. Our bodies, confidence, hormones, health, life circumstances and emotional worlds all evolve throughout our lives. Rather than assuming they already know their partner inside and out, couples who enjoy lasting intimacy continue to ask questions, explore together and make space for honest conversations about what feels good, what has changed and what they'd like to experience more of. Curiosity keeps intimacy alive because it allows partners to keep discovering each other, rather than believing the discovery is already complete.

Protecting Time for Intimacy – Don't leave intimacy to chance - Modern life is busy, and it's easy for intimacy to become something we hope will happen rather than something we intentionally make space for. Work, children, household responsibilities and endless to-do lists often leave relationships surviving on leftover time, but relationships don't thrive on leftovers, and neither does your sex life. Just as you schedule meetings, exercise or social commitments, your relationship deserves protected time too. This doesn't mean scheduling sex itself, but creating regular opportunities to be together without distractions. When couples consistently prioritise time for one another, emotional and physical intimacy are far more likely to follow naturally.

Passion Is Created, Not Found – Many people believe passion is either something you have or something you lose, but lasting passion is rarely accidental. It is created through curiosity, novelty, emotional safety, playfulness and shared experiences that keep partners engaged with one another. Trying something new together, laughing, flirting, travelling, learning, surprising one another or simply breaking out of familiar routines all help prevent relationships from becoming predictable. Passion isn't sustained by waiting for the feeling to return; it's sustained by continuing to invest in the relationship in ways that make both partners feel alive, connected and excited to keep discovering each other.

The Importance of Novelty – Long-term relationships naturally become more familiar, but familiarity doesn't have to mean predictability. Introducing new experiences, whether that's travelling together, trying a new activity, exploring different forms of intimacy or simply changing your routine, stimulates curiosity and helps partners continue discovering one another. Novelty isn't about replacing your partner with excitement; it's about bringing fresh energy into the relationship you already have.

Embracing Spontaneity – Whilst protecting time for intimacy in your diary is essential, not every romantic or sexual moment should feel planned. Spontaneity creates anticipation, playfulness and surprise. A lingering kiss in the kitchen, an unexpected compliment, flirting throughout the day, initiating affection without an agenda or deciding to leave the chores until tomorrow can all remind your partner that romance doesn't only happen on date night. The healthiest relationships often find a balance between intentionally making time for intimacy and allowing space for those unexpected moments that keep desire alive.

A Final Thought: Better Sex Begins With a Better Relationship – A Final Thought: Better Sex Begins With a Better Relationship...If there's one message I'd like you to take away from this article, it's that fulfilling sex is rarely about becoming technically better at sex. It's about creating a relationship where intimacy has the opportunity to flourish. Great sex is built on emotional safety, honest communication, curiosity, affection, playfulness and making time for one another. When you invest in the quality of your relationship, your intimate life often follows.

No relationship remains static. We all experience periods where life becomes busy, desire changes, communication breaks down or intimacy feels more distant than we'd like. That doesn't mean your relationship is failing; it means it's asking for your attention. The couples who thrive aren't those who avoid challenges, but those who choose to navigate them together with openness, compassion and a willingness to keep learning about one another.

If reading this article has helped you recognise patterns within your own relationship, or highlighted areas you'd like to strengthen, you don't have to navigate them alone.

As a London based Relationship Psychotherapist and UK Dating, Intimacy & Relationship Expert, I work with both individuals and couples to help them build healthier relationships, improve communication, deepen emotional and physical intimacy, and create lasting change.

Whether you're hoping to reconnect with your partner, understand your own relationship patterns or rediscover a fulfilling intimate life, I'd be delighted to support you.

Because better sex isn't the destination. It's often the natural result of building a better relationship. Enquire to work with me online or in person to support your love life.